THE QUEST FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT

by Dave Ornick

I'm all for self-improvement, especially when I see it done by others. Personally, I can accept the concept, provided that it doesn't hurt (exercise), isn't expensive (psychiatric therapy), isn't boring (meditation), or doesn't involve getting in touch with my inner self, which sounds sort of kinky. I settled on a cause and a method that checked all the boxes above, but still I needed a shove to start, for I've always been a shove-to-start starter. Hereafter lies the tale of my journey to self-improvement.

First came the colder weather, initiating the primal urge to store calories. I couldn't help it - it's primal, plus I remembered the admonishment that it's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Then came Thanksgiving, a mere practice shot for the intemperate eating habits to which I succumbed over the holidays – a one month period of accepted gluttony which ends with remorse on January 1^st. Wine, pepperoni, nuts, and cheese logs elbowed their way the short distance to the top of the food chain. Waddling closer toward Christmas my neckties started to look ridiculously narrow, and I found myself shopping for a Santa suit in the stouter sizes. Okay, that one was a slight lie, although I didn't buy the optional padding. May I please continue?

With New Year's Eve and countless empty party trays behind me (they were behind me, all right) my shame and melancholy dredged up a desire for renewal and improvement, which society has codified by the annual guilt trip of well-intentioned resolutions. I committed myself to a diet; you know - that eating discipline that begins with 'die'. I jumped in whole hog – uh, make that 'with determination'. No red meat, no sugar (duh), no breads, no fried food, no alcohol, no carbohydrates, no anything with taste. It was a fierce battle of wills as I crossed swords with my combative fork.

Well, guess what? As the TV shows say, it's time for the reveal. I've been on this highly restrictive diet for 2 weeks now. So far I've lost 14 days.

Dave is a member of the Writers' Interest Group.